


Humanity

by Padackles_thewinchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Angels, Angry Castiel, Blow Jobs, Broken Dean, Confused Castiel, Dean Being an Asshole, Denial of Feelings, Human Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Masturbation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Castiel, Psychological Trauma, Self-Mutilation, Vessel Sam, Visions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-27 00:04:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7595557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Padackles_thewinchester/pseuds/Padackles_thewinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the future and most of humanity is gone. Dean is the leader of a post-apocalyptic group that is struggling to survive while Castiel is the head of it's armory. Sam is gone, in a sense, he's now Lucifer's vessel. After Dean becomes injured in a mission it's up to Castiel to take his place and the two form an even tighter bond than before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean groaned as he sat up from his blanket less, pillow-less and definitely cushion-less cot. He looked around the dingey cabin he now called home in search for his whiskey. Let's just drown the pain, the hate, and the shitty world away. He found walking around with a consistent feel good kept him from the being cruel, cynical leader he wanted to be . The Croatoan virus had spread through all the major cities, which made it very difficult to get supplies for everyone. Everyone wasn't any more than a 100 people but rations were hard to come by. Dean stood up and every bone popped in his sore body as he made way to Chuck's cabin. He kept track of portions and inventoried everything so he went to him to find out what the supply run would be.

Dean knocked on his door and the always chipper smaller man answered promptly. “Hey Dean. How was last night's mission?” Dean grunted, “ I don't want to talk about it. What do we need?” Chuck looked down at his clipboard and frowned disapprovingly. “Canned goods, a little bit of perishables, and for the love of everything find something resembling toilet paper.” Dean smirked at Chuck's exasperation and give him a salute, “Will be getting things this afternoon. Is Cas in?” “He's in the armory. You know he never leaves that place. “

Dean walked along the muddy path to the cabin they call the armory. He heard Castiel talking patiently to a group of kids about how to clean a guy. Dean smiled and entered the door-less cabin. “Excuse me, our fearless leader demands my attention.” Dean could detect a note of sarcasm in Cas’s voice and it instantly made him grouchy. “What the hell was that about?” Castiel scratched at the scruff growing on his face and shrugged, “I don't know, you put us all in danger last night leaving for the mission so late.” Dean sighed tiredly and just ignored Castiel's antagonizing. “I'm too tired and too sore after last night to argue. I need to make a supply run you coming with me?” Castiel did a so-so hand gesture and turned around to continue teaching the children. Dean placed a hand on his shoulder doing his best to muster an apology. “Cas, look man... it won't happen again. I know we shouldn't have gone at night and we lost a few people because of it.” Castiel glanced at the hand on his shoulder and shrugged it off before answering Dean. “Fine, but not because you are forgiven. Good people were killed. I will round up some grunts to go with us.” The hunter felt the blow to his apology but he knew he deserved it. Last night was a shit-fest because he couldn't keep himself together.

_They were going to the Colt, well at least following a possible lead. They came across a few demons that had it in their possession and stormed their little safe house. “I don't know where the devil is!” Dean punched the demon with holy water covered knuckle dusters. The demon's skin burned and cracked at impact. “Tell me where lucifer is!” The demon spit blood in Dean's face and Dean cut off three of its fingers. “If I tell you he'll just kill me or worse torture me!!” “What do you think I'll do to you!!!” Dean sliced some of the meat of the demon’s arm and it let out a blood- curdling scream. “Noo! Stop!! I'll talk.” The demon coughed and choked on its blood, still getting effects from the punch. “D-detroit. Lucifer is in Detroit.” Dean stabbed the demon through his chin and it's head slumped forward. The hunter walked outside of the building and it was already dark out. “Fuck.” Castiel ran up to him from around the corner, covered in blood and out of breath. “ We have to go. There are crots everywhere because the sun just set.” Dean unholstered his gun and followed after Castiel running to the group of people they brought along. The second wave of Crots was unexpected and killed two of their people before making it back to the jeep. Castiel was silent for the ride home, seething with anger. Dean just ignored it, he did what he had to._

Now Dean was sitting on the porch of the Amory doubting his actions from last night. The hunter cleaned his gun to pass the time, fiddling with the chamber and making sure it wouldn't jam. He saw Castiel's muddy boots step into his line of sight and looked up at the man. His eyes were still blue as the oceans but there was something in them now. Something that saddened Dean to know Castiel had been through so much. He felt a pull at his chest knowing his friend was angry at him, the only person he trusted anymore was angry at him. 

"Dean the men are ready. We should go as soon as possible." The hunter stood up and looked over Castiel's expression, watching for some sort of forgiveness. "Are you still angry?" Castiel did a tsk sound at Dean and hit his shoulder. "Some, but I think I might have overreacted. You were doing what you had to." Dean let himself feel a bit of relief before shutting down strange emotions. "Okay, guns, ammo, knives. Everything is ready to go?" "Yea, we're just waiting on you boss." Dean smirked at boss and they headed down the muddy path. "Do you know where there might be some supplies." Castiel shrugged and tapped his chin while keeping a steady pace. "We could try a shelter or a hospital. They might have left over supplies there?" "Good idea."

Dean and Cas loaded up into the jeep and headed towards the nearest shelter first. Dean couldn't help but feel depressed when he saw what state the city was in. Cars abandoned and stripped for parts, windows and doors smashed in for looting. The worse part of it all was the bodies. At first the city would dispose of the infected deceased for less contamination purposes but then it became too much. They built mass graves to burn and they filled up too quickly so they just stopped. In result bodies were everywhere. It particularly blackened Dean's soul when he saw the body of a child, a little girl clinging to her teddy bear, laying in a pool of her own blood. Dean tore his vision away from the gruesome sight and focused on the task at hand. He cannot risk another mission or people might question his leadership.    
He risked a glance at Castiel while driving and saw the other man lost in thought as well. It wouldn't surprise him if it hurt Cas even more, the used to be angel swore away his home and innocence to protect the humans and it still ended in this.

“The shelter should be ten minutes away from here.” Castiel informed Dean. “Hey Cas, you doing alright man? You know, since all the angel's bailed?” The hunter could see the other man's jaw tense and then it fell into a light chuckle. “Being human is much worse than I thought it would be. I can feel emotions, taste food, even experience physical pleasure, but there's no pro to it. All I feel is depression, we have no food, and I have found no one I want to partake physical pleasure with. I was part of a much better club.” Dean blushed at Castiel's admittance to not having sex, he doubted the other man knew how private that was. He figured Cas was depressed, hell they all are, the world was in the shitter.

They arrived shortly after at the shelter and on the outside it didn't look different from any of the other vandalised buildings. Dean was quickly losing hope that any supplies were left, must places were left empty by survivors. Dean and Cas climbed out of the jeep, guns hanging by their hips, and approached the building cautiously. The other men followed suit exiting their vehicles and went around to the back of the building.

“Cas I'm not sure how I feel about this. There's not a single Crot in sight.” Castiel silently agreed, it felt like something was off in this building. They made way through the entrance hallway, their heavy footsteps echoing throughout. Peering into every room they pass with a quick sweep of their flashlights and found nothing. “Maybe they're all in the main room, supplies included.”

They grew anxious with each loud step that took them closer to biggest room, the place where everyone would have slept. It could go either way, everyone is dead or it's an ambush.  Dean placed his hand on the doorknob and silently twisted, pushing the door in.

“Dean.” Castiel said his name with the intent of telling the hunter to be careful. Except Dean already knew to be careful. He knew exactly what they might be walking into. He did a quick sweep off his flashlight and that's when the bodies moved. 

“Fuck.” 

It was a trap. Crots came charging at them, with blades, glass shards, bats, anything they found as a weapon. 

Dean started shooting off rounds into one, two, three infected but they just kept coming.  Castiel had his back to his fighting off Crots from the opposite direction. The other team rushed into the room with guns blazing but not before one of the Crots was able to get Dean. He didn't get bit, scratched, or drink their blood. No, he got stabbed by a large shard of glass directly into his shoulder.

“Dean!” 

Castiel heard the glass penetrate and Dean let out a yell of pain. The hunter collapsed to the floor unable to think about anything but the pain. He saw lights flash in his vision and he didn't know if it was his men coming to help or the sudden loss of blood. Castiel was hovering over him, checking his pulse, inspecting the wound with a quick glance

"I got you Dean." 

He picked up the rather heavy hunter and ran to the jeep. He honestly didn't care if the other men got out or not. He didn't care if they were able to gather supplies. The only thing that mattered was saving Dean, as it always has been. He sat Dean up in the passenger seat of the jeep and drove dangerously fast back to base camp. He cannot lose all he had left…


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel brought Dean to the medical cabin with blood hemorrhaging out of his shoulder. The few trained nurses they were able to gather rushed over and guided him to a cot. Castiel watched as they cut away Dean's clothing to have a better look at the wound and realized it was very deep.

"You need to get out of the way or be useful." Cas had seen many people die recently but not Dean, he hadn't lost Dean in years.  "Wh-what do you need me to do?" "Put pressure on either side of the wound to minimize blood flow. We don't have a tourniquet big enough for his shoulder."   


Castiel applied pressure to Dean's wound and the warmth of his blood made him feel faint. The nurses were sanitizing the wound and the area around it. Getting out any remaining shards of glass and beginning the process of stitching him up. Castiel felt Dean stir under his hands when they pulled the first stitch through. The second stitch and Dean's eyes flew open in panic.  


"Get off! What the fuck are you doing?!"  
"Hold him down or the stitches will tear." 

Castiel held Dean down with his full body weight, the man was in all out defense mode. "Shh Dean. You were hurt the medics are helping you." Castiel looked Dean in the eyes, showing him trust. "Calm down or you'll hurt yourself." Dean grunted with effort, trying to push Castiel off of him. The other man put a bloody hand in his face, "This is your blood. Calm the fuck down." Castiel was beginning to lose his patience but Dean finally calmed when Cas showed him his blood.   


The hunter laid still under the nurse's hands, wincing at the stitches. "What happened?" Dean said in hoarse voice. "A Crot stabbed you with a shard of glass. You passed out from the pain." Dean looked at Castiel, wondering if he was the one who brought him here. "Is it bad? Will I be able to use my arm?"

The nurses looked at Castiel and Dean. "We won't know till it's healed. Without x-rays or MRIs we have no way of knowing the extent of muscle damage. I'm sorry Dean"

Dean closed his eyes and took a shallow breath. If he can't use his arm, he can't hunt, he can't kill lucifer, making him useless. He has to stop Lucifer. The hunter felt a pain in his chest and a lump in his throat thinking about who Lucifer's vessel was. It was his fault though, if Dean wasn't such a stubborn asshole Sammy would have never taken off on his own and said yes. He should have said yes to Michael, but it's too late now.   
Dean tried to move once they were done stitching him up and he put on a facade about the pain.

_ Fuck this hurts. _   


"Do you need help?" Castiel offered Dean a hand and he just pushed it away. "No, I got this." Castiel took Dean's good arm and helped him up. "I told you I got this." He shrugged away Castiel's hand and when he took a step forward he fell. "Dean you've lost a substantial amount of blood. I doubt you can do much of anything for the next few days."  Castiel assisted the hunter back into the cot and Dean looked at him pitifully. "Can I at least be in my own cabin?" " I don't see why not."

Cas walked Dean down the muddy path to his cabin and he could hear the other man making small noises with each step. Dean opened the door to his cabin, his stubbornness being persistent.

"Thanks Cas, you can go now." Castiel didn't let go of him and just stared at Dean. "What?" "Stop acting tough. You were gravely hurt Dean and I'm going to help you." Dean sighed his frustration and just leaned against Castiel. "Fine, fine, fine. Do whatever makes you happy. "

Castiel walked Dean over to the cot, took off his shoes and helped him lay down. "Whiskey." He fetched the whiskey bottle and handed it to Dean, sitting on the floor beside the cot. "I was scared Dean. You bled alot. "  Dean looked at Castiel solemnly and took a swig of his whiskey. "If I died it wouldn't be the worse thing to happen." Castiel felt nauseous at Dean's words. The hunter always had a self-sacrificing, suicidal streak that constantly left Cas feeling uneasy. He gripped the other man's hand and held tight when Dean tried to pull away.  


You are not allowed to talk like that. We have lost family, friends , lovers, all we have left is each other." Castiel looked at the ground, "How could you be so selfish?" Dean shrugged nonchalantly at Castiel's words. He wasn't about to be dragged back into the emotions that he so desperately ignores. His apathy, cynicism, all an attempt to ignore what he really felt.

"Cas, we've been through hell together. We're still going through hell, so just let me vent my thoughts. I'm not going to do anything irrational."   


Castiel couldn't believe Dean no matter how hard he tried. 

After Dean heard Sam said yes to Lucifer he spiraled into darkness. Went down a destructive path of suicidal behavior and alcoholism. Castiel actually walked in on Dean putting a gun in his mouth. The hunter froze, wide-eyes full of tears and fell apart in Castiel's arms.

"Dean let me see your gun." He held his hand out to the hunter, he needed to avoid anything happening.   
"I won't do anything Castiel, I promise I won't do that again." "I can't trust you not to Dean, I'm sorry." The hunter reluctantly handed over his gun, he knew Castiel's heart was in the right place.

Castiel tucked the gun in his waistband after checking the safety was on. He looked up at Dean and felt sympathy, pity, how could the once righteous man fall so far? Cas sighed and sat with his back to the wall, legs drawn up. Three years he's been human and he's still awful at emotions. He wished he knew a way to comfort Dean but he had no idea what to say or do.

"Cas you don't have to stay here. I'm a big boy now." Castiel smirked at Dean's witty statement but still didn't get up. "Sorry, I'm here to stay. I need to make sure you don't do anything stupid, like try to walk again." 

Dean folded an arm behind his head and stared at the dusty ceiling.He couldn't lie, he did like the other man's company. It had been him and Castiel for so long now that he felt closer to Cas than ever before. He glanced over at the smaller man lost in thought and wondered what was on his mind. No doubt it was Dean's stupid and selfish past actions. Chuck knocked lightly and opened the door before they answered .  


"Hey guys, we need to talk." Castiel stood up from his position and guided chuck to the corner of the room by his elbow. "Did we lose more people? Dont say it in front of Dean," he glanced at the curious hunter, "he can't take it right now."  
"No, that isnt it. The last run we weren't able to grab supplies because of what happened to Dean. We're very low on food now."  
Castiel nodded his head with silent understanding.  
"Okay. I'll gather some men and leave first thing in the morning."  
"Thanks, Cas."   


Chuck left the cabin and Castiel turned around to find Dean sitting up in the cot. "I know what that was about and don't think for a second I'm going to let you go alone." Castiel frowned at Dean's rather persistent stubbornness to rest his body.   
"I'll have other men with me. I won't be alone." Dean shrugged with his good shoulder and it looked odd. "They're not as good as me."

Castiel knew he couldn't stop Dean from going so he didn't even bother to continue the debate. "Well regardless it isn't until tomorrow morning. Please try to rest."

Dean slowly laid back down on the cot and gestured Castiel to come over to him.  He took the other man's hand in his and he knew it would be difficult to get the words out but didn't know it would be this hard.  
"Cas..... thanks." Castiel looked at Dean in confusion, doing the familiar head tilt.  
"For what?" Dean dropped Castiel's hand and turned his head so he wouldn't engage eye contact. "For not giving up on me....you could have just let me offed myself. "    


Castiel felt a tug at his chest, the feeling of warmth he felt when they were younger and everything was still okay. He looked at Dean in another light at that moment.  He wished the hunter would smile again, it's been years. "Dean, I care about you." He patted his hand and sat back down on the floor. Castiel didn't know what else to say, he was drowning in emotions he had never felt before.   


Dean sighed. He didn't really expect Castiel to say something heart-felt so it didn't hurt that much when all the man did was pat his hand. "I'm going to sleep Cas, can you turn off the light?" 

Castiel turned off the light and Dean closed his eyes. Using his good arm as a pillow Dean gently rolled over to face away from Cas.    
He didn't want the other man to see the storm of emotions going across his face. Dean knew what this was, these feelings. He felt this way towards Cas back in the day but shoved them down because Castiel was emotionless then. He wondered if maybe Cas was able to finally reciprocate.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm fairly new to fanfic writing, so if you see something you don't like please tell me. I can't learn unless someone points out my mistakes.

_Dean couldn't breath, couldn't scream, he couldn't move a muscle. There was an unseeable weight holding him down and a pressure on his chest that was squeezing out what little air he had left.  He blinked into the surrounding darkness to no avail because it was too absolute for his eyes to adjust. That's when the pain came. A burning, excruciating, mind wrecking pain that left him in total shock. He tried to escape the pain as it spread across his body but all he could do was accept it. Silent screams escaped his mouth as each new sensation occurred.  
Then suddenly it was light and he saw what was causing the mind-blowing trauma. It was Sam and he had a knife in one hand and a blow torch in another. A demonic smile played across his brother's lips and he lowered the blow torch to Dean's bare abdomen. His skin burned, bubbled and revealed raw muscles under the flame. Dean screamed, thrashed,he went wild trying to get away from the torch. Then everything fell into darkness. _

Dean shot up, sweating, panting and absolutely terrified. He clutched at his shoulder, the sudden movement causing immense pain. Castiel was still asleep on the floor. Unaware of Dean's realistic nightmare.

It was just a dream. It was only a dream.The hunter took a moment to collect himself. He could still smell burning flesh, his heartbeat was still deafening over the sound of anything else. He looked down at his arms and there was nothing. Not a single cut, burn or anything else wise.

"So real." He muttered while rubbing his sensitive skin. Dean lifted his shirt and his stomach was intact. He couldn't see layers of burnt flesh or exposed muscle yet he touched it just to make sure.

Dean heard a rustle and instinctively flinched when Castiel's hand came into sight. "Dean what's wrong?" Blue eyes full of concern and obvious fear. "N- nothing. I just had a dream about howler monkeys again." Castiel knew that was basically code for one god awful nightmare and Dean never talks about them.

"Alright, well the sun is coming up soon. You ready to go? You sure you want to?" Dean nudged Castiel's shoulder and smirked at him  
"No one can protect you like the best hunter in the world can."  
Castiel stood up and shrugged his stained and torn trenchcoat on. "Alright, well I'll go fetch the men while you get everything together. "  
He paused at the door before leaving,  
"And Dean, don't lift or do anything you can't."

The hunter smiled so big it could have cracked his face. "Nice try, boss"

Dean raised from the cot and strolled over to the small table he had in his cabin. An assortment of guns, knives, ammo, and other various weapons were strewn across it. He picked up a holster and with difficulty strapped it around his thigh. His shoulder was proving hard to maneuver normally. He holstered the knife then put another holster around his ankle and one on his forearm. No one could ever say he wasn't prepared. He wanted to wear the custom made back holster so he could have his full-sized machete but it was impossible with this injury.  
Once he was done arming up he threw in weapons, first aid supplies, and ammo into an army duffel bag. In fact most of their equipment was military materials because their base camp used to be a training facility of sorts.

Dean stepped outside and frowned accordingly at the dreary weather. 

"Shitty weather for a shitty mood."

It always rains these days, maybe Lucifer is changing the climate. He chuckled at the stupid thought and stepped off the porch of his cabin.

Castiel was across the way with a line of three jeeps and at least 20 able bodies. He guessed the other man didn't want something catastrophic to mess up a supply run again. Not that Dean getting hurt was catastrophic but it did pose a few problems.  
He walked over to Castiel and squeezed his shoulder.

"I'm ready, boss." Castiel frowned at the hunter's choice of words. "I'm not their boss or yours." Dean smiled wickedly "What if I want you to be?" Dean immediately regretted uttering those words. He might as well have punched himself in the throat. Castiel looked at Dean with his confused head tilt "okay..."

The hunter swallowed his embarrassment and jumped into the jeep. He knew tonight, tomorrow or some other time Castiel would demand him to explain what he meant but right now he could pretend it didn't happen.Castiel joined him in the driver's side and looked at Dean out of the corner of his eye. The hunter sighed maybe Castiel wasn't going to wait for an explanation. The other man cleared his throat to say something but in the end decided not to.

On the way to the hospital they agreed on Dean's mind wandered back to his nightmare.

He grimaced at the sight of Sammy doing that to him. It looked like his brother, hell it even sounded like his brother but he knew it wasn't. It was far from being Sammy. He clutched at his stomach remembering the pain of the torch and rubbed it again just to make sure it wasn't real.

They yet again passed through the decimated city and the hunter straightened in his seat rapidly at the unfamiliar sight. The bodies were gone. All of them

“Hey Cas, stop.” Castiel stopped driving and the line of vehicles behind them complied as well. “What's wrong?” Castiel read Dean's expression. There was fear and anticipation clouding his green eyes. “Something is missing, look.” Castiel glanced around and noticed the missing bodies, “what do you think it means?” “I don't know but let's stay cautious.”

Dean fondled his knife as they drove through the empty city. His bones and muscles ached with undulated fear. "What the fuck is going on." Dean had muttered the rhetorical question but Castiel replied anyway.

"I don't know." The other man's voice was laced with panic and that alone put Dean on edge.

They arrived at the hospital and it wasn't clear of Crots. There was plenty around and it put Dean's mind at ease.

The group of twenty men easily cleared 15 Crots and they made way into the hospital.  
Dean rummaged through the nurses station while Castiel checked the crash carts for supplies. Dean was tempted to take the defibrillator but without electricity it was kind of pointless.

The hospital was torn apart. Patients , nurses, doctors all dead and missing chunks out of their bodies. Blood spray and body tissue was painted on the walls .

Castiel ran up to him with a handful of syringes, gauze, and bandages. "These could definitely come in handy." Dean shoved them into the empty duffel bag hanging off his shoulder.

He didn't find much at the nurses station besides hand sanitizer and empty thermoses. 

"We should check the cafeteria." One of the men shouted from a bathroom, "I'm checking for toilet paper!" They followed the plaques on the walls with directions to the cafeteria.

Every hallway looked the same. Blood, bodies, and debris scattered everywhere  They sifted through the pantry and found canned goods, water, and freeze dried food. All of what they needed

"I think that went well." Castiel slapped Dean's back as they sauntered back to their jeep.  
Then like a ton of bricks Dean fell against the other man. His eyes rolled in the back of his head, muscles spasming, mouth fell slack. "Dean! Dean!" The hunter couldn't hear Castiel his mind was elsewhere.

_It was his brother again. His puppy dog eyes up close and personal in his face. A smile slipped across his lips and he chuckled. "You're here...again." He traced a hand along Dean's jaw then grabbed his throat. "You're not welcomed here. Why do you keep coming back!" He squeezed Dean's throat and his vision grew hazy._

_He scratched at Sam's hand to let him go but the other man is much stronger than him. Dean felt like his throat was being crushed, water welled in his eyes as his oxygen supply seeped away. Sam revealed a knife that he had  stashed somewhere out of sight._

_"I wonder if your brother can see what I'm doing to you." Then the knife was plunged into his stomach and twisted._

Dean woke up gasping, crying, and shaking violently. His body felt like it would fall apart because of the harsh tremors. Castiel was asleep, holding Dean in his arms. When did they get back to camp? He tried to stir out of the other man's arms but Castiel held him down. Cas has a habit of fake sleeping.

"Rest."

Dean closed his eyes and rested his head against Castiel's chest. I guess there's really no point in fighting it if Castiel wasn't going to let him up. He felt safe, warm,it was a feeling he didn't expect to experience anymore.

"Cas, I know you're awake." The other man continued to lay in silence, maybe he didn't want to make it awkward. "I need to talk to you about something."

Castiel sighed apprehensively. "Okay, what is it?"

"First let me up please, I don't want to talk about this laying down."

Castiel eased his grip on Dean and assisted him in sitting up.

"I know you're upset that something happened to me again on a mission. It's not what you think though. I keep seeing Sam. H-he's doing things to me? Possibly someone else? I don't know it all just seems so real." Dean blabbered on about what happened in each dream and Castiel grew increasingly worried.

"It's Lucifer though, right? This isn't the actual Sam doing this to you?" "Yea, its definitely Lucifer. The last dream he told me "I wonder if your brother can see what I'm doing to you." Dean looked down at his hands. No sign of the struggle, no marks from where he accidentally scratched himself to free his airway.

"What do you think it is?"

Castiel didn't want to give hope to the hunter but he thought it could possibly be visions. Perhaps that an angel was trying to tell Dean where Lucifer was located or what he was doing. Cas couldn't wrap his mind around why an angel would give Dean visions though, someone who is entirely unfamiliar with them.

"Let's not talk about it right now. It's still fresh in your mind and I need to think about. Possibly there's someone here in camp that knows a thing or two about situations like this."

Dean looked into Castiel's concerned blue eyes and it was that same tug at his heart. He looked at his pouty lips and he could imagine kissing him. No, Castiel doesn't feel that way about anybody. It's been made painstakingly clear that after three years of being a human he still hasn't had sex.

Dean shouldn't have thought about Castiel having sex because now he had images, derogatory images floating in his mind. Castiel pinned against the bed underneath him, the smaller man begging for Dean's touch.The hunters heart rate picked up and a thin film of sweat appeared on his forehead.

"Hey Cas, can I get some alone time? You've kind a been by my side for the past three days and I just want some down time." Dean adjusted himself because the hardness rubbing against his jeans was beginning to hurt.

"Sure, you know I'll be in the armory when you need me." Castiel stood up from the cot and stretched his limbs before walking over to the door, his trench coat hanging pass his knees. "You're okay , right? With the whole Sam thing?"

"Yea, yea I'm fine."

Dean basically ushered Castiel out of his cabin and rested his back on the door once it was closed.

"Jesus."

He reached done and cupped the hardness in his pants and it relieved some of the pain. He didn't plan to relieve himself to the thought of Castiel but in a moments notice he had one hand wrapped around his cock and the other on the door for support. He stroked it roughly, his calloused hands arousing him even more.

He imagined how soft Castiel's touch would be compared to his and it brought a moan to his lips. A thin line of sweat developed on his chest and his shirt clung to his damp skin.

He imagined Castiel's pale skin brushing against his as he took the smaller man from behind. The thought of Cas's moan sent Dean over the edge while he rubbed the head of his cock with precum.

Goosebumps spread all over his body as he came closer and closer to the brink. With one last hard thrust he spilled his seed into his hand and let out a low growl.

Dean sat down on the floor and contemplated what he just did while trying to catch his breath.

This is going to complicate things.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said previously this is the first time, besides another Fanfic, that I've ever written. I know some parts are better than others and ultimately I will probably come back to previous chapters and rewrite them. Please leave kudos and tell me what you think. It would be greatly appreciated. This will at least reach 7 chapters, maybe 9? I'm almost posting on my instagram where people are requesting me to continue it so I don't really know how long it'll last. Thank you in advance!!

Dean remained in his cabin for most of that afternoon. He was desperately trying to avoid Castiel until these unwarranted thoughts finally went away. 

He couldn't stop thinking about the other man, his ocean blue eyes, his unkempt hair, the possibility of how soft his alabaster skin is. It drove Dean insane the effect someone else had over him. 

He laced his fingers together on the back of his head and paced the cabin anxiously. He wanted Castiel more than anything but knew it was never going to happen because he could never let it happen. Back when Castiel was an angel he got hurt plenty because of Dean but now he was a mortal and everyone Dean has ever cared about always dies. 

He sat on the edge of the table and took a swig of his whiskey, contemplating foregoing the rest of today's planned adventures. 

The whiskey went down his throat with a smooth burn and instead of the usual relaxation he was hit with a wave of depression. He shrugged the flannel overshirt off and looked at the scarred hand print on his shoulder. It pained him a bit to see it was mottled by the new stitches. At first the hand print signified God's unfair plans for him and Sam, now it symbolizes how he first met Cas. He swallowed past the lump in his throat. He is not going to cry over a man that barely understands his own emotions. 

There was a knock on his cabin door and Dean wiped away the welling tears and put on his usual I-don’t-give-a-shit expression. 

It was Castiel, standing with his hands in his pockets and blue eyes wide with concern. Dean could get lost in the swimming pools of Castiel's so very blue eyes.

"Dean, are you okay?" Castiel asked softly.

Dean watched Castiel's lips as he talked and didn't hear a word he said. All he could think about was closing the short distance between them and tasting the other man's lips. He shook his head and took a few steps back. 

"Come on, we going somewhere?" 

Castiel looked genuinely confused as if he missed an entire conversation. "I asked if you're okay. Have you been drinking?" Castiel could smell the liquor on Dean's breath and it was repugnant. "I thought you promised you would cut back?" 

Dean put his hands up in the air to defend himself against the attack of words. "Only a little bit but I'm not drunk. I promise." 

Castiel pursed his lips and watched Dean solemnly. He wished he could read his mind because any other way he'll never find out what's bothering the other man till he's ready.

"Alright, fine. Well we are going somewhere. I found a woman named Angela here in base camp that can help." 

Castiel grabbed Dean's hand and the hunter flinched. He felt as if was electrocuted by the other man's skin brushing against his own.

"Sorry, I'm just a little jumpy." 

He brushed Castiel's arms with the back of his hand and walked pass him out the door. Maybe those little touches will get him through this.

Castiel followed behind Dean and the other man led him down a back path. He didn't know this nature trail was at that back of their base camp and it was rather beautiful compared to what he usually sees.

The trees were decorated with various shades of foliage hanging in an arch over the path. He glanced at Castiel and he couldn't help but notice Cas seemed to fit in with this kind of environment. His beauty matched the raw beauty of nature and it turned Dean's insides into mush.

"H-hey Cas?"

The other man turned to look at Dean and the man's heart stopped when those blue swimming pools looked at him like there was nothing else. Dean was tempted to pull the other man against him and take away his innocence. Castiel lips were slightly parted in mid action of speech and Dean couldn't fight it anymore.  He pulled Castiel closer to him and kissed him hesitantly, the other man didn't kiss back and just stood perfectly still. Dean felt Castiel's fear underneath his touch and pushed the smaller man away.

"C-cas I'm so sorry. I don't know- I'm sorry." Dean took off running towards the cabin they were headed to and left Castiel behind in utter shock. 

Dean at that moment hated himself more than anything else.

Dean didn't stop running until the cabin was in sight and he couldn't hear Castiel shouting his name. He hunched over, rested his hands on his knees while he borderline hyperventilated. He cannot believe he just did that. Dean pulled his hair and screamed all of his tension, angst and fear internally.   


With a moment of clarity amidst all his anxiety he figured out what he had to do. He needs to be mean to Castiel. He needs to act like nothing ever happened so the other man doesn't get any ideas. It's what Dean is best at, shoving aside all of his crap and hoping his past doesn't come to find him.  


He straightened out his jacket and headed up the stairs of the cabin. First things first he needs to figure out this vision shit. His emotions mean nothing if Lucifer is planning to do something nasty. Dean knocked on the door and in his peripheral he sees Castiel rounding the corner. The other man  looks flustered, in shock and like he has an assload of questions Dean isn't going to answer.   


A woman with brown-eyes, brown hair and radiant smile opened the door.   
"You must be Dean." She went to give him a hug and Dean stepped back. "No offense, I don't do hugs."

Angela invited Dean in and gestured towards a chair for him to sit in. The cabin was full of trinkets,  hex bags, candles, everything of the hoodoo variety littered each available surface.

"You have quite the collection going on. Expecting a party?" 

Angela's lip twitched at his comment and looked up as Castiel came through the door. Dean gave the other man a side look and tensed up as Castiel walked towards him. 

"Dean..."  It took everything in him to grimace at Castiel. He looked dejected and bewildered and Dean knew it was all his fault.

"Can't you see I'm busy Cas?" 

Castiel withdrew the hand he used to reach out to Dean and cradled it to his chest like the hunter burnt him. Dean swallowed the lump in his throat, he can do this, Castiel needs him to do this.   


The other man took his place on the other side of the room, unsure of what he did to make Dean so hostile to him. Was it because he got scared? Maybe it was because he didn't react appropriately. 

Dean could see all the emotions playing across Castiel's face and with pain that was eating him alive inside he ignored it.   


"So Angela, I heard you can help us with our problem-" Dean corrected himself, less we more me. "-my problem?"  


Angela folded her hands in her lap and looked at Dean intently. "I can Dean but you'll have to be hypnotised. I need to know what you saw and felt. It might give me an idea of what we're dealing with."   
Dean wasn't sure he wanted to relive his brother torturing him, but if it was for the greater good it's a price he's always been willing to pay.   
"Okay, let's do this!"

* * *

 

Angela had Dean lay down on what Castiel could only consider a couch he's seen in films for therapists. 

The hunter looked uneasy, untrusting, and he wanted nothing more than to tell Dean it'll be okay. Honestly though Castiel had no idea if it'll be okay, especially not after earlier. He could still taste Dean on his lips, the scratch of his day old stubble. He hadn't expected the hunter to kiss him, he didn't even know Dean liked men. 

“Now Dean, I need you to close your eyes. When I count to three you're going to be in a deep sleep but conscious enough to answer me. When we are done I will count back from three and snap my fingers, when I do that you will wake up.”

Castiel watched Dean slowly close his eyes and his lashes brushed against the freckled skin of his cheekbones. The man truly is beautiful.

“1, 2 , 3. Now Dean, tell me what do you see?”

Castiel watched Dean's face turn into a hard grimace, his fingers struggling to find something to hold onto. 

"It's Sam - no, Lucifer, he has me strapped down. " Angela soothed Dean and ushered him on.

"What else?" Dean licked his chapped lips and answered in a rush of words. "He's burning me." 

Castiel's composure faltered. Dean never told him what Lucifer did to him in the visions and now's he's regretting that he didn't pry further.

"What's around you Dean? Are you in a room?" 

The hunter started screaming and thrashing around violently. His face twisted into pain with bullets of sweat soaking his clothing.  "Stop!! Sammy stop!!" 

Castiel grabbed the hunter's hand, caressed his forehead and uttered sweet gibberish into his ear.

"3, 2, 1" 

Dean shot up, gasping in pain at his shoulder and revealing his stomach to check for invisible burns. He noticed Castiel holding his hand and for a moment he looked thankful then he shoved it away.

"Dean, are you alright?" Castiel was in the hunter's face, trying to assure himself no real injury had succumbed to the man. "I'm fine Cas, get outta my face." 

Angela noted the tension between the two men and walked away to get Dean some water.  


"Dean.." Castiel pleaded with his name, he needs to know what happened earlier.  
"No Cas,  I'll talk about anything but that. It never happened."  


Angela came back with the glass of water and handed it to Dean. "We don't have to do it again today. This takes a lot of energy."  


Dean downed the water and straightened his clothes back out before answering her. "Okay, I have other things to do anyway." He turned to Castiel, not revealing a sliver of true emotion. "You should stay here, try to brainstorm about things." 

Castiel got the hint. Dean didn't want to be around him for whatever unknown reason and he wasn't about to make things worse by arguing. "Okay... I'll come to you if we find anything."  


Dean got up and stretched his arms and legs. He walked over to the door and stopped before leaving. "You do that."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally much longer so I had it separated into two parts. I hope you enjoy it!!

Dean stalked outside, seething with pent up anger. He didn't know where this rage was coming from but he's going to hold onto it like it's a beacon at sea. He followed the path back to his cabin and he Chuck ran up to him in passing.

“Hey Dean, how's it going?” The hunter glared at the smaller man and he flinched, “Never mind.” Dean left Chuck behind and decided he would go into town by himself.

He jumped into a Jeep and he heard someone shouting his name but he ignored it. He needed to dwell in this anger and forget about everything else. It's not like he's going to go in a Crot infested area. 

He drove dangerously fast through an empty neighborhood and stopped at a huge house, maybe they'll have some liquor. Whiskey is very hard to come by these days.  He pulls into the driveway and feels disgust. These people had a normal life before all this, something Dean never had and never will.

He kicked in the front door and it felt amazing, the violence left him with a rush of endorphins. He tore through cabinets, gores, the dead fridge. 

Dean stopped when he saw a row of family pictures. **Fuck them.** He punched the pictures, through them on the ground and the glass shattered everywhere. 

He found a desk in corner of the foyer that looked like it might hold some beverages. He picked it open and he found a huge bottle of Jack. He twisted it open and pressed the bottle to his lips, chugging the bitter medicine. He spotted himself in a full body mirror. Wide-eyed, hair disheveled, lips chapped and bruised from the kiss. He threw a vase at the mirror and glass flew in every direction.

The hunter continued to sit in the empty house, drinking the old whiskey--ignoring reality. It was beginning to get dark outside and he knew that meant the monsters would come out soon. Honestly he didn't care, he couldn't find a single fiber in him that cared. 

A light beam pierced through the darkness and it startled Dean out of his drunken stupor. What the hell was that? He got up, a bit unsteady on his feet, and walked over to the window. He saw a second jeep behind the one he parked in the driveway but couldn't make out who it was. He unholstered his gun and kept it pressed to the door as he opened it.   
Dean stumbled back when he saw it was Castiel.  


"How did you find me?" He dropped the bottle and thought about running away, he didn't want to face this right now. There was too much going on and he can't cope at the moment

~*~

Castiel was relieved when he finally found Dean's jeep. He was afraid it would take all night to find the hunter. Dean opened the front door when he got out of his vehicle and he looked like a deer caught in headlights. Those green eyes full of fear, sadness, and shock. 

He could still taste Dean on his lips and he wanted nothing more than to feel him again. To tell the other man it will be okay. That he doesn't have to be strong on his own and he can ask for help. Castiel reached for Dean and he dropped the bottle he was drinking from, stepped back like he was going to run. 

"Dean, please."

The hunter shook his head violently, held his hands up to ward off Castiel. "No Castiel, no." 

Castiel closed the distance between them and breathed in the scent of Dean--vanilla, whiskey, and motor oil. "Cas, please stop." The hunter begged like a scared child but Cas knew they both needed this.  


He pressed his lips to Dean's, tasting him, parting his lips with his tongue and exploring the other man's mouth. It was everything he expected to be and more.

Dean was still mostly intoxicated when Castiel went in for the kiss. He readily parted his lips, allowed Castiel to delve into his mouth and taste him. The other man's mouth was soft, warm, taste like home to Dean.

He laced his fingers into Castiel's messy hair and laid a hand on his lower back, pressing his body against his own. A growl escaped his lips when Castiel pulled and sucked on his bottom lip.

Dean felt Castiel's erection through their clothing and it was like a jolt of electricity. He pushed Castiel away, once again, and shouted at him. "I told you no! We can't do this Cas!" 

Dean yelled through tears, through a yearning so bad for the other man's touch it hurt. Castiel looked at him bewildered, heartbroken, and then finally angry. Dean wanted to see the anger. It would make it easier to not love Castiel. 

"Fine, but I will be waiting for you."Castiel turned on his heels and left the house. Leaving Dean with his own darkness and rage. 

Dean stumbled back and leaned against the wall for support. The whiskey still racing through his veins mixing with adrenaline was making him very unstable. He touched his lips, they were swollen and sensitive from Castiel kissing him so roughly.   


He hugged himself in the darkness and cried for what seemed hours. He couldn't stay angry. He couldn't hate the man when all he wanted was to feel him and love him. The thought of Castiel now hating him destroyed every rational thought that he might have had left and pulled the lighter once more out of his pocket.

 He rolled up the sleeve of his shirt and his hands shook with the anticipation of the pain. He was mesmerized by the flame as he brought it to his arm, his eyes rolled in the back of his head and broke a heavy sweat.

He closed the lighter and looked at the angry burn. The skin slowly began to turn white, bubble, and the endorphins kicked in. He sank to the floor and held his arm to his chest, riding the high of this release.   
It'll be just this one time. I promise Cas.

The forming blister throbbed and he shook his arm, momentarily regretting doing it. However even though it hurt it made him focus on more important things than his emotional turmoil. He stood up from his hunched over position and headed outside.

It was yet again cold, he could see his breath in the air, so he tightened his jacket and huddled in on himself. Dean walked over to his Jeep and heard a crunch from behind him, the sound of dead leaves being crunched under foot. He turned on his heels, gun aimed and muscles tensed. It was Sam -- no Lucifer, standing in front of him.

"Hello,  Dean. I thought I would stop by since you keep interrupting my private sessions."

It looked like Sammy, sounded like Sammy but he knew he wasn't there anymore. It's been three years and if Sam was in there he knew whatever is left isn't sane.

Lucifer stepped closer to Dean and the hunter willed himself to move but he couldn't, he was frozen in place. "You really shouldn't be out here all by your lonesome. It leaves you vulnerable " 

Lucifer pressed Dean against the cold metal of the jeep and the hunter swallowed loudly. "What do you want ?" Dean muttered weakly, he just didn't have the gumption to fight.   


An evil smile split Lucifer's face and he lowered down to Dean's ear. "I just want Sammy to see himself break you. He can't stop me no matter how hard he tries to fight it. Wouldn't that be quite the show? For Samantha to see his big brother Dean a sniveling mess underneath him?" 

Dean reached around his back and cut the palm of his hand with the knife, slowly and meticulously he drew an angel banishing sigil. Lucifer hooked a finger into the loop of Dean's jeans and pulled him closer. "I think it would be just delectable to see you squirm."

Dean looked Lucifer in the eyes and almost whimpered, almost cried. This was Sammy saying these things and it was killing him. 

"Not tonight." 

Lucifer stepped back in shock when he realized what Dean had been doing. The hunter slammed his hand on the sigil and a roaring, blind white light filled the night sending Lucifer God knows where. Dean collapsed to the ground and breathed heavily with relief.

The hunter stood up on shaky legs and climbed into the jeep. He needed to get back to camp and tell Castiel what happened. His hands had a fine tremor in them and he tried to convince himself it was the cold, but it was the palpable fear. Dean turned the ignition and the engine purred to life, cutting through the thick silence.    


He drove through the empty city and passed through the gates once he reached base. He jumped out of the jeep, leaving the engine running, and ran to Castiel's armory.  He fumbled up the stairs because his legs were still unsteady and he paused at the door way.

It was dark in the cabin, maybe Castiel is asleep? He approached the bedroom, trying to navigate in the unfamiliar territory. He bumped into something and it woke Castiel up. Dean heard a gun cock and he threw up his hands in surrender.

"It's me Cas! It's just me."

Castiel slightly lowered the gun but he didn't drop it. "I'm still angry at you, what do you want?" His voice was deep and gravelly from sleep and Dean could feel it resonate in his chest.

"Lucifer came to me..."

Castiel dropped the gun and turned on the small kerosene lamp, "What?" 

Dean walked over to Castiel's cot and sat down. He wasn't sure how much longer he could stay standing. "Lucifer came to me after you left. Told me I was interrupting his sessions." 

Castiel eyed the other man, Dean was obviously distressed and damn it he wanted to comfort him even though he was angry. He grabbed Dean's arm and forced him closer, holding him in his arms. Dean tensed up, this is what he was avoiding, he needed to escape. 

"Stop being a badass and let your friend comfort you."

Dean felt the first tear start to fall and his shoulders heaved with the beginnings of a sob. "How am I supposed to kill him? It's Sammy."

He clutched to Castiel's shirt and fell apart. How is his life such a fuckfest? It used to be the two brothers fighting, saving people, now he can't even save himself.  


 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a graphic sort of wincest scene between Samifer and Dean in a vision. You have been warned. This will be a much shorter chapter. My apologies.

Castiel held the bigger man in his arms for a few minutes and pulled away to look at him. "We should go back to Angela, she'll help." 

Dean looked up at Castiel and those fanfic green eyes entranced him even though they were full of despair.

"You're going to get through this Dean. You always get through it." He kissed Dean softly, memorizing the salty taste of his tears

"Cas, I can't." 

Castiel was breaking more and more inside each time Dean told him that and he didn't know what he had to do to prove his love. "Why Dean? Hmm? You obviously want it to."

His green eyes watched his lips as he talked and he tore his vision away, looking at the floor. "I'll lose you just like everyone else..." 

Castiel finally got it. Dean has lost everyone he's ever loved and he thinks admitting his feelings will somehow make him disappear. He grabbed Dean's hand and placed it over his rapidly beating heart. 

"You feel that?" He turned Dean's face towards him and kissed his bottom lip. "I'm here, I'm here right now and not going anywhere." 

The hunter looked on edge, like he was ready to bolt and self-destruct. "Please Dean." Castiel got on his knees and cupped Dean's face. Placed small kisses all over his face, kissing away his tears. "We need us."

Castiel caught Dean's lip with his, lazily kissing him, exploring the other man. "C-cas." Dean felt like his heart was breaking he didn't know what to do. He cried while kissing Castiel back, the pain and the love overwhelming him all at once.

He guided Castiel onto his back and slotted himself between his legs. Their bodies pressing against each other in a long line of heat. He slipped his hand into Castiel's hair and rested his forehead against the other man's.

"Why? Why do you want this so badly?" 

Castiel looked up at Dean with those blue swimming pools and the heat in them made Dean bite his lip. "You have always been mine Winchester. I just didn't know what to do about it." He pulled Dean down for another kiss, hooked his legs around Dean's jean clad thighs.  


The hunter wasn't sure he wanted this when he was so unstable. He kissed Castiel back but he was hesitant, it wasn't as passionate as before. Castiel looked at Dean with concern, something seemed off. 

"Are you okay?"  Dean felt a tightness in his chest, like he was breathing through a coffee straw. "N-no. Something's wrong." Dean's vision went black and he collapsed on top of Castiel.

_Dean opened his eyes and was blinded by an obscenely white light. His wrists and ankles were restrained, unable to move he panicked. Where is he? He looked down and realized his clothes were gone and he felt bile rise in his throat. What the fuck is going on?_   


_Sam/Lucifer came into sight and Dean mentally recoiled remembering their last encounter. "Why hello Dean. I wasn't expecting you."_

_Lucifer came up to Dean and traced the tip of his knife down the hunter's abdomen. "You know, Sammy always thought his big brother was gorgeous. So heroic, so righteous compared to him. He loved you and envied you."_

_Dean's lip twitched, this isn't Sam. This is lucifer, his brother would never do this.  Lucifer looked into Dean's wild eyes and licked his lips, a menacing thought hanging between them._

_He let the knife trail down to Dean's flaccid cock and the hunter flinched. "Stop. What are you doing?" His voice was weaker than he meant it to be and he mentally kicked himself._

_"Remember how I said I would just love to see you squirm? I meant it Deano, I'm pretty sure Sam would love it to." Dean spat in Lucifer's face and shouted, "Don't talk about my brother like you know him!"_

_Lucifer dropped down to his knees and drew Dean's flaccid cock into his mouth and Dean dry heaved. Oh god he can't watch his baby brother, no Lucifer, doing this. His body started to respond to the sensation of Lucifer's warm mouth and a sharp sob escaped Dean._

_"Stop!" He bucked wildly, trying to get free of the restraints._

_Lucifer stared up at him and smiled devilishly, knowing this was thoroughly breaking Dean. "Please stop..."_

_Dean gave up fighting, he couldn't fight the Devil. He hung his head and sobbed uncontrollably while the Devil brought him closer and closer to the edge he never wanted to be at. Lucifer stood up and wiped his mouth, the look in Sam's, god it isn't Sam, the devil's eyes dark with lust. "Goodbye Dean..."_

The hunter woke up in Castiel's arms, he looked into his blue eyes with panic and clung to his shirt. "It wasn't real?" 

Castiel nodded, he couldn't find the words to soothe the traumatized man . 

Dean screamed into Castiel's shirt, clung to him like a lost child as the sobs tore through him. “Why?! Why me?!” 


	7. Chapter 7

Dean hacked up his very little nutrition for the millionth time since waking up. As soon as he thought it was over he saw Sam on his knees and bile would quickly rise up his throat. "Cas?" His voice was hoarse from straining all night and his hair was matted to his head with sweat. 

Castiel appeared from around the corner and kneeled down beside Dean, "Yes?" 

Dean wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and took his filthy shirt off. When he got over the initials moments of trauma he threw up all over himself and Cas when he first woke up.

"I need some water, man. My mouth taste like a dumpster." "Of course." 

The hunter stood up, stretching out his shakey legs. He can't get pass the fact of how real his visions feel. "Here you go." Dean drank the cup of water in one go and leaned heavily against the doorway.

"I need to get Lucifer out of Sam. I don't know how but I need to." Castiel traced the scars on Dean's stomach and it sent goosebumps across the hunter's skin. "No, I can't." 

Castiel frowned and tucked his hands into his pockets. "I was merely offering comfort, nothing more. " 

Dean pushed off the door way and shrugged his jacket over his bare skin. "I don't mean you can't touch me. I just mean right now....I can't deal, okay?" 

The hunter shivered but it wasn't from the obvious cold, no he was broken, something was broken in him. He was already damaged but now he didn't know if he could ever let Castiel touch him. He didn't even know if he could touch himself. He felt a wave of nausea again and ran outside, throwing up over the side of the porch.

"Let's go talk to Angela."

They took the same path as before except this time the beauty didn't amaze Dean. He didn't stop to see if Castiel was jaw-droppingly gorgeous amongst all of the nature. No, he kept his head down, shoulders hunched, and his hands shoved in his pockets.

He didn't want to look, afraid that what happened might have tainted it as well. He didn't want Castiel to gaze into his eyes on the off chance he could see how terrified and filthy Dean felt.

The night was cold like every other night but Dean could feel it down in his soul. The dead leaves crunched under the heavy boots as they walked along the path, it being the only thing breaking the painful silence. 

Once they reached the cabin Castiel gently touched his arm and dared to look in his broken eyes. "If you can't do it, it doesn't make you weak."

Dean pulled away from his touch and gave him an empty smile. "I have to. I'm not the only one suffering. Sam feels and sees everything Lucifer does...if he's still alive." Dean swallowed the painful thought of Sam being alive all this time, he much rather his brother have died then suffer through this. 

"I can do it. Let's just go inside and get this over with." Castiel squeezed the other man's wrist and Dean flinched. "Please don't touch me Cas " 

They climbed up the stairs to Angela's cabin and knocked on the door. Hopefully she will help them tonight even if it's like rubbing salt in his fresh wounds.

Dean did a quick shake off his arms, trying to get rid of this internal coldness he felt.

Angela came to the door but this time she didn't have a smile on her face, instead she had pity. "I'm so sorry Dean." 

The hunter played shock, Castiel didn't need to know the details just yet, no one did. "I don't know what you're talking about. Let's uh, just go inside."

Castiel eyed him suspiciously, he knew Dean was shaken up by this but as always the hunter wouldn't talk about it

Angela guided them into her cabin and offered him a drink he refused. The same trinkets as before were scattered everywhere, barely a clear surface.

He messed with the fabric of the shrink chair, twirling a loose thread between his fingers. A tremor was going through his body again and admittedly he didn't know if he could do this. If he could relive what Lucifer did to him in his last vision. Dean rubbed his arms, trying to soothe himself but it didn't work, nothing would.

He pressed into the slow healing burn on his arm, praying it would take the edge off his anxiety. Since he woke up he's felt this gnawing feeling like hes going to have a mental breakdown. It wasn't something he could stop and he knew it was inevitable but right now he needed to say focused.

Castiel sat down beside him and placed a hand of reassurance on his leg. "I'm here." Dean swallowed loudly, its just Cas, hes only touching your leg. Castiel retrieved his hand and Dean stopped him, putting it back. "Stay, please." 

He silently wished to himself that the fear would just seep away. That he could shove down all these emotions. Dean laid down, not by Angela's command but because he was tired. So very tired.

Angela pulled up a chair beside where Dean was laying down and her sweet smile looked faulty. Her brown hair fell in ringlets cupping her heart shaped face and her eyes looked empty, like she was hiding her emotions as well. Dean couldn't help but wonder if she saw what happened or if she could just feel what he did.

"Dean...are you sure you can do this?" Her voice was soft like an angel's, soothing even. 

He clenched and unclenched his jaw, the muscles working in his neck. "I have to." Angela sighed with a heavy heart and explained the process once more to Dean.  


~*~

Castiel sat on the edge of the seat and held Dean's clammy hand. The bundle of nerves in his chest was beginning to unravel him as well but he is Dean's anchor. He needs to stay strong.

"1, 2 ,3." 

Dean's eyelashes fluttered against his freckled cheek bones, his lips slightly parted as he fell into a deep relaxation. It was nice to see Dean with a peaceful expression on his face even if it was forced.

"What do you see Dean?" The hunter gripped Castiel's hand so hard he felt a finger might have been broken.

"The room is white, so white I can't see anything else." Angela nodded and urged him on. "Do you see Lucifer?" A fine tremble went through the man's body and he nodded his head. "Yes." A short, curt reply.

"What is he doing? Where are you?" A tear slid down Dean's face and Castiel's heart broke into a thousand pieces. What is happening to Dean right now?

"I can't. I can't stop it." The tears came faster and Dean just muttered the same thing over and over again. "I can't, I can't, I can't." 

Angela's lips were set in a hard line and she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Where are you Dean?" The hunter shook his head violently, his muscles spasmed, it looked like a seizure.

"Stop Angela. He can't do it." She pushed Castiel away. "I'm so close. He just needs to tell me where he is." 

Castiel drew his gun, although uncalled for he felt it necessary for Dean's sake. "Wake him up. I won't ask again."

Angela kneeled beside Dean, eyeing Castiel warily. "3, 2, 1." Dean shot up, gasping for breath. "Cas!"

Castiel fell to Dean's side and immediately grabbed the other man's hand. "Are you okay?" Dean looked up at Castiel and he could see the pain, the trauma in the other man's eyes. He turned to Angela and aimed his gun at her chest once more.

"If there is any lasting damage because you pushed him you will not see the light of tomorrow." Angela stepped back, hands in the air. "I-I just wanted to help."

Castiel helped Dean stand, grabbing him with an arm underneath the hunter's and wrapped around his side. "Bang-up job." Dean's voice was weak, if he was broken before the second go around has shattered him.

They stepped outside and the sun was rising. Any other time Castiel would have cherished a moment like this with Dean but now it just symbolized a very painful, long night.   
They made their way along the path, dust kicking up from the mud drying. "It's going to be okay." Castiel whispered.  


They reached Dean's cabin first and they slowly went up the stairs and went inside. He laid Dean down and his heart stopped at the sight of how defeated the other man looked. He was just laying there, staring into space thinking about God only knows what. Castiel sat down beside Dean, "May I?" The hunter panicked and grabbed Castiel's shirt, a sob tearing from his mouth. "Please don't go."

~*~

Dean was drowning in his emotions and he knew the one thing that could anchor him. He pulled Castiel down and caught his lips, parting them with his tongue. Tasting the distinct earthy, ozone flavor of Castiel. He laced his fingers through his hair and let out a whimper when the other man slotted himself between his legs. It's Castiel, it's just Castiel. He needs to get over this because it didn't even really happen it was all in his head.   


Cas looked down at Dean and the darkness in his blue eyes sent a shiver through his body. "Do you want this?" A tear slipped from his eye and he quickly wiped it. "I don't know..but I need it. I need to feel someone who isn't.." 

He trailed off his words, not quite ready to divulge the source of his trauma. "Okay."

"Castiel kissed his neck, trailing down to his collar bones, he lifted Dean's shirt over his head and drew in a nipple. Dean let out a clip gasped as Castiel twirled, sucked, and pulled on the sensitive skin. 

He unfastened the hunter's jeans and pulled them down to his knees. Dean held his breath, fear coursing through his veins. He knew Castiel could feel this sudden change but he prayed he wouldn't say anything.

Dean let eyes his wander down to Castiel, maybe watching him do this will help with the fear. Cas freed his flaccid cock from his jeans and drew the tip into his mouth. Looking didn't help, a wave of nausea rolled over and he swallowed it back down. 

Dean wanted to push Castiel off and scrub his skin clean but he didn't, he waded through the terror and tried to convince his body this isn't Lucifer.Castiel played with Dean's slit with the tip of his tongue and it evoked an unexpected moan from him. His precum dripping down the sides of his cock and he watched Castiel lick it up.

Castiel's lips wrapped around his throbbing cock sent wave after wave of pleasure through him as the other man leisurely bobbed his head back and forth. Dean felt his fear, his pain melt away and for the first time in awhile felt like this might be what saves him. That Castiel might be his savior from this miserable existence. 

Dean thrust his hips up and muttered an apology when his cock pulsed against the feeling of Castiel gagging. The other man was bringing him closer to the edge and laced fingers in his hair to make him take in more. 

Castiel hummed an even vibration around Dean's cock and the hunter tried to warn Cas he was about to come but he swallowed Dean down to the base just in time for his seed to paint the back of Castiel's throat. 

He shouted an apology at Castiel. “I'm so sorry.” Castiel wiped his mouth off on the back of his hand and smiled with dark, needy blue eyes. “Do you feel better?” 

Dean pulled Castiel up for a kiss, the fear slowly beginning to seep back into place. "It was great...we should sleep. We've been awake for more than 24 hours." Castiel looked into Dean's green eyes and saw the edge of fear.

He didn't want Cas to sleep in the cot with him but he was going to let him. Yet again trying to concur this irrational response. "I can go back to my cabin."

Dean felt immediate panic. He did not want to be alone in this cold and dark cabin. "No,no. You stay here." He saw Castiel eye him with vague concern and finally nodded his head. "Okay. I'll stay here. In the afternoon I know of another contact who can help." 

Dean nestled down into his favorite position, on his back with his arms crossed. Despite the nagging persistence of his anxiety he felt safe. Castiel put him at ease and his warmth seemed to radiate to Dean's core. Why did he deny himself this closeness for so long?

Dean woke up later that afternoon with Castiel's leg draped across his and a hand on his chest. He sat up rapidly, pushing Castiel off and then immediately regretted it. This would have been a perfect way to wake up if he hadn't freaked out like that. Castiel blinked sleepy blue eyes up at him with confusion playing across his face. 

"What's wrong?" 

Dean shook his head and frowned slightly. "Nothing, I just freaked out. I'm not used to waking up with someone, with you, in my cot." 

Castiel smiled lazily and combed his black hair with his fingers. "Well, goodmorning." Dean stood up and pulled his pants and shirt on. "Actually, afternoon. You wanna go ahead and pull yourself together so we can head to the city?" 

Dean would try his damnedest to avoid talking about what happened last night. It was a moment of weakness, a chink in his armor and he wasn't planning on doing it again.

"Dean, you alright?" Dean took a swig of whiskey before heading out the door ahead of Cas. "What makes you think I would be alright?"


End file.
